Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, straights ,gays, transvestites, midgets, dwarfs and other challenged minorities – this message is for you!(and best of all,it’s free.)

Today, here and now, I the bicycle gourmet, self-proclaimed expert on all lifestyle matters French am going to guide you, step by step ,inch by inch, through the potential social minefield of The French Kiss.

I refer, bien sur, to the “hello/goodbye” French kiss. Not the “Hey babe, let’s get down to some lovin” variety.”(As Homer Simpson suggests in my favorite poster.)

The French cheek kiss, in an escargot shell,is their version of the handshake. But, being the worldy sophisticate you are, doubtless you’ve wondered about the finer points, the”nitty gritty”if you will of same sex adults smooching.

Stress not,dear reader. As always Beege is here with the inside scoop!

Children:

are taught that “the kiss” is the way you greet the world.Your parents. Their friends. Your friends. Anyone you’re introduced to by an adult.

Teenagers:

Same basic deal. With handshakes coming into the mix. For example, two teenage boys who are long time pals, will do the kissy-poo. But when they meet another guy outside of their immediate circle, the handshake rules.

Adults:

Okey-dokey. This is where the rubber hits the road, and there’s fat all over the frying pan.

They kiss :

If they’re related.(ie – Father to Son, Brother to Brother, etc.)

If they’re not blood relations, but close to the family.(ie kids, teenagers included and an Adult family friend.)

If they’re women.(Hey, it’s genetic!)Women are generally more inclined to offer a smooch rather than a handshake. Particularly to other Women.

If they work together in the same space. The latest arrival goes cubicle to cubicle, lips at the ready.

They may not kiss when :

Meeting socially for the first time. Definitely not Men. Handshake time here. Women could go either way. Depending on the individual and the situation.

However ,if the scenario is being introduced at a dinner party,most often women will be kissy, while men, being the cool alpha males that we are, will press the flesh.

The flip side o’ this here equation – each person leaving,is socially required to say goodbye.(via his/her method of choice)Depending on the number of guests, you could be waaay late for the baby sitter!

They will definitely kiss when:

Meeting professionally for the first time. After that ,depending,as always on the individual sensibilities involved and the situation,it may morph into “the full monty.” (But, in the case of politicans, not while the cameras are rolling.)

Are ya with me so far? Good. Because now, as the TV quizmasters would say, we’re ready for the “brain twister!” The subtle nuances of “kissossity.” The frequency. The technique. The body language. (And you thought this was gonna be a cakewalk…..HA!)

Kissosity Confidental :

Frequency:

Depending on the region, it’s “de rigueur” to place your felications two, three or four times.(ie – Cheek left/cheek right. Cheek left/cheek right/cheek left. Cheek right/cheek left/cheek right/cheek left) CLEAR ENOUGH?

Technique:

Again, depending on the region, we’re talkin’ jus’ brushin’ the cheek with an air kiss, or the real deal.

Body Language:

If you’re not already down with this,You’re destined to remain“socially challenged” (not to mention sleeping only with your teddy bear) until the pathologist does his thing.

There you have it, dear reader.The BG’s guide to gliding gracefully through the French social scene.

Anything else I can help with?

THROW ME A BONE HERE PEOPLE!

What are ya thinkin?

I was’nt expecting a view of the Marquis de Sade’s chateau from my terrace. But then, his neighbours were’nt expecting someone who would violate community standards by violating the community!

No Expectations

What I was hoping for,(not expecting) , was a quiet WARM refuge for the Winter. To continue these scribbles, and work on “The Film.” What was to eventually morph into “Bicycle Gourmet’s Treasures of France.”

BG Scores

Once again, luckier than smart, I met a Dutch Woman who was ga-ga for “The Arts,” and had a vacant gite. So, as she was terminal “arts n’ crafts”, and I was a terminal artist – the die was quickly cast.

This, dear reader, was a big score. For a number of reasons. Within the Luberon National Park(ie -heart of provence, but minus the “action”) off road, wild(as in untended Cherry trees(Bings, I might add) left, right, and center –  equally wild, and plentiful salad goodies on and around my “atelier”, one of the best caves in the region, 100 metres away, and ringed by  hilltop villages.

Beauty and Dissapointment

Bonnieux, to the left(and UP, bien sur), Gordes, (further left and equally up) Lacoste (Former home of the Marquis (behind.) Sadly, like so many things in life that are exquisitely beautiful at a distance, (often at night) the Marquis’ “tough love” palace(in daylight) was a dogs breakfast of authentically old, inauthentically “enchanced.” Exuding all the charm of a burnt brick.

Lacostes’ major claim to(provencal, at least) fame – is an annual Summer Classical Music festival presented by Pierre”designing is my drug” Cardin. Otherwise, it’s yer basic ancient, hilltop village with a view of the Luberon plains.  Curiously, tucked into it’s moldy chic-ness is a Frence outpost of the Savannah(as in Georgia,USA) College of Art. (And you thought French people had an accent!)

The village of Menerbes(past Lacoste, heading toward Cavaillon) has long been a classic hang-out for artists, renegades and other assorted deadbeats without a real job.Peter Mayles, the noted English scribbler was in residence there, until he pissed off the locals by making them the butt of his literary humor, and was forced to shift to Lourmarin. On the other side of the Mountain.

Waaaaay back….when he was looking into his crystal ball,(and when was he not?) Nostradamus proclaimed : “Menerbes floats on a sea of vines.”Menerbes has only one main street, and severely limited parking. works for me. Howsabout you?

THROW  ME  A  BONE  HERE  PEOPLE!

What are ya thinkin?