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French Travel – Dangers and Delights
NICE CARNIVAL
green light. This junior version of Mardi Gras rocks the town for ten days in January. Yer basic excuse for a street party. With all the usual trimmins – music, food, booze, outrageous behaviour by otherwise normal people.
red flag. It’s the street thieves Christmas. Not the bold-you-saw-it-on-tv-and-could’nt-believe-it ones who pull yer arm of out it’s socket grabbing your bag at the traffic light, then zoom off on their scooter.
No dear reader,these are the ‘crème de la crème” of the breed. Smoother than a baby’s bottom. Slicker than an oiled lap dancer. Europe’s premier pickpockets. Artistes of the illegal. To see them in action,is truly to observe “poetry in motion.”
Here’s one of their many “cool moves.” Working in pairs, P.P. one bumps into you, cutting your camera strap at the same moment. Even before you turn,before his “excuse me”, your camera has dropped into the shopping bag of P.P two, who is, at the moment of the “excuse me”, twenty paces gone in the opposite direction. Slick. Definitely. But wait – there’s more!
After the excuses, P.P. one will walk in the opposite direction from P.P. two. So that, if you do notice immediately that you are suddenly camera-less, and if, you can actually find and confront him, you’ll feel like a total dork. Because P.P. one, in addition to being cool, polite, and not(more probably pretending not) speaking English is carrying nothing! No shoulder bag. No backpack. No briefcase. Nada. And what are you gonna say now? You guessed it. “Uh……Excuse me….I’ve made a mistake.”
CANNES FILM FESTIVAL
green light. Down the road from Nice (south) each May,the town’s major money-spinner unfolds. Doubtless you’ve seen it, or snippets thereof on TV. The stars making their entrances, the premieres, etc.
However,the “action” (like all gala events) takes place largely in the expectations/imaginations of the masses who flock to it. Always with a story or two of some unknown, (usually a girl who’s never seen her feet) “discovered” on the beach and signed to a contract on the back of a chic restaurant’s napkin.
But, fear not, dear reader, there is a concrete upside to “film fest. fever.” Deals. On everything that money can buy. Resturants and bars in particular. And, to a lesser extent, stores. But, keep in mind,a “deal” in Cannes, is usually regarded as “extortion” in Nice.
That said, there is a genuine and unique ambience during the Festival. A kind of constant, understated excitement,that makes you feel a part of it all. Even if you have no interest in, or connection to, the Grande monde of “Le Cinema.”
red flag. Gypsy thieves. This is their Christmas. And, sadly,though they are professional, their style leaves much to be desired. Basically distract, grab and run.
Their classic hustle : You’re approached by a pathetic, bedraggled woman, surrounded by four or more pre-teen children, equally pathetic and bedraggled. As she gets in your face, begging for milk money(yeah, right!) the kids circle you progressively, tugging at your clothes prodding, looking for yer wallet/snatchable items. If you imagine(wrongly!) by giving her a few euros they’ll go away,you need to climb back onto your turnip truck, and return to the farm.
This will only increase her demands for more, as she dumps on you for being cheap. Naturally, escalating the actions of the gypsy ankle biters, now firmly attached to your clothing. If, wisely, you (attempt to) walk on, she will offer nothing but scornful looks, and walk away.
But here’s the payoff: The kids will keep after you. Block after block. Usually with the eldest, distracting you with more pleadings of the families urgent situation. If you break, and give them money, like Mom, they’ll keep after you for more. If it becomes clear your wallet is not going to open voluntarily, they’ll plain out attack you, grab and run.
Was this helpful? Disturbing? Are you already canceling your reservations?
THROW ME A BONE HERE PEOPLE!
What are ya thinkin’?
French Churches – part Four of Four
Circumstantial Evidence
Ok – a potpourri of “miracles” now n’ then. The virgin Mary appears. The sick are healed. God talks to Moses.(According to the Bible. A cusinart of rumour,innuendo and questionable “facts” assembled by hundreds of special interest “authors” over thousands of years. Now – that’s credibility…..right?)
Callin’ the “G” Man
Would’nt ya think if “He” really is up there watching over us, that he’d check in? Once a year, even? The Queen has her “Speech from the Throne.” The President his “State of the Union.” Why not a “State of the World?” from the creator hisself? Like – maybe at Christmas? With a “special appearance” by he for whom Christmas is (supposedly) celebrated?
New Year’s Blowout?
So – the Father, the Son, and (if he’s not too busy) “the Holy Ghost.”A blockbuster year end bash with “The Big Three!” Certainly this “transparence” in the season of “goodwill to all men” would unquestionably bond us to the supreme one and his posse? And ,bien sur, this would be the appropriate moment for our “Heavenly Father” to tell us how we’ve screwed up in the past year, and what we need to do in the new one, would it not?
Party Pooper
Yet, inexplicably ,year after year, God drops the ball. He blows his best chance to spread(not to mention solidify)his “Gospel.” If he did, indeed create the World in six days – he must know that timing is everything. And, more to the point, if he can do a World in six days, how busy can he be? Really? What excuse can he offer for not showing up when we’re celebrating his “only begotten Son?”
But – nnnnnnnnnnnnno! Not a word. Not a sign. Not a miracle. Not even –a video! Just candles, hymns,massive spending, superficial smiles, turkey for winos,Holy mumbo jumbo,wars ,starvation ,poverty ,natural disasters, climate change and pedophile priests.
“God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.” No shit.
Misfits and Marketing
Psychologists say our feelings of inadequacy, and the resultant desire for someone/something greater to guide us ,are genetic. And after 4000 years ,too many churches to count, and almost as many religions, a counter argument has yet to emerge.
Atheists,particularly those in the world of commerce, would say that “God” is History’s greatest marketing triumph. 4000 years of “brand loyalty” to an intangible product, that offers no tangible benefits. In addition to promoting itself as a “unifying force”, while doing exactly the opposite.
Our God is a Sailor
Contrast this, with a group of people who have not only actually seen/talked to their God, in the freakin’ flesh, no less, but also have a tangible(as in “physical”)souvenir of his Holy presence to worship, revere and adore.
These folks are the “Cargo Cultists.” Pacific islanders who welcomed a shipwrecked mariner named John (from? East Akron?, Sacramento?, Blackpool?) as their God. And when he left, enshrining himself forever as “the God of their vision come true”, his cargo remained, to become his temple. This”cult” is therefore known as the “John Fromm” cult. As in “John from?”
Bottom Line : Like that famous American ice cream, “God” comes in many flavors.
The flavour of French Churches, you will discover, is, as it should be, between you and the Church of your choice. Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Prepared to be amazed.
THROW ME A BONE HERE, PEOPLE!
What are ya thinkin’?
French Churches – part Three of Four
Monkshine
No fine and fancy ramble through the cloisters of French Churchdom would be complete without a large tip o’ the glass to “The Booze Brothers. ” Those monks who praise the Holy Spirit by brewin’ up a batch of spirits. “Bros ‘n Booze” is a tradition as old as monkdom itself. Plus,it’s only logical. Men, perhaps some even manly men, living in the company of other men, with no Women, no beer, no Monday night football. How better to do manly things in a manly way than to brew up a little somethin’?
The Spirited Lowdown
Although most monks are brewmiesters, the most celebrated liquid “Holy Spirits” are two French Church creations – Benedictine and Chartruese. Both share the same basic m.o. Secret recipie. Combo of herbs,plants,leaves honey,sugar,alcohol,old sandals, etc. Starts out as a “medicinal”beverage. Recipie lost in the mists of time. Then, miracle of miracles, Rediscovered.! Big money builds a big brewery. Hotch is still produced by monks from the original recipie. But, bowing(in a Holy way, bien sur) to the demands of the secular world, the booze bros produce “wimped down” versions of the original. Allowing them to buy more candles, new sandals, and generally “OM” away their non-brew moments.
Six Holy Spirits
Benedictine hits yer glass at 80 proof.(40% alcohol) There is also, as you may know a “B n’ B” – Benedictine and Brandy. And ever attuned to the Holy art of marketing – a “Café Bendictine.”
Chartruese gives ya three kicks at the can. Green Chartreuse – 100 proof.(55% alcohol) Yellow Chartruese – 80 proof.(140% alcohol) And their top o’ the line, fancy, smancy, you-pay-thru-the-ying-yang V.E.P Aged longer. Wax seal. Prettier bottle. Optional gold embossed dedication? Probably.
A Carnival of Marvels
There are four marvels that smack me alongside the head each time I’m in a French Church . First, the architecture. An amazing amalgam of influences. English. Italian. Arabic. Further refined by the tastes of the Kings,Popes,and religious visionaries who were signing the checks.
Second, after our sheer, vast, and often enormous mentality of “must decorate/must decorate/must decorate” every possible inch – to enter a dimension”full of emptiness” is a HUGE breath of fresh, very relaxing air.
Third, I’m gobsmacked(and who would not be?) by the organization,dedication and patience needed for centuries of construction. Like Rome, French Churches were not built in a day.
Fourth, that all this dedication,organization and patience, not to mention awe, respect, wonder and reverence to the nth degree was lavished on the construction of momuments to an unseen “Supreme Being.” An invisible diety who has never once, in 4000 plus years done even a cameo for his assembled multitude.
Part Four – Next Time
THROW ME A BONE HERE, PEOPLE!
What are ya thinkin’?
